Every day there are questions plaguing the back of my head. I don’t like to generalize, but I think these are questions many of us ask as we become real live adults- or at least, somewhat adults. Sometimes during a run, these questions come to the forefront of my mind and I get lost in them. Miles pass and I don’t even realize it. So welcome to my run-brain. I am telling you, running is my therapy.
Each of us have many personal titles to our names and we have to hold them all together like crazy glue to feel like we’re doing a good job. That is hard to do. So we question them because we all want to be the best all around people we can possibly be.
When my son is having a tantrum and I feel completely out of control. When my kids are sad or mad or upset or hurt. The days when I get home from work and just want to sit and watch tv for two minutes but they demand my attention. When I just can’t imagine changing another diaper, answering another question, or making another dinner. When I have the best intentions to play trucks and trains after dinner, but there is so much around the house I just have to get done. I sometimes feel guilty and unsatisfactory and I wonder: Am I a good enough mother?
When the kids are asleep and Bri and I finally have some time to talk- and I really just want to read or sleep or lay mindlessly because I’m exhausted. It sometimes becomes the typical, “how was your day?” and barely listening to the answer even though I really do want to know. Or I want to talk all about my things and I get upset when I think he’s not understanding. I need some quiet and I wonder: Am I a good enough wife?
When friends are around, but I feel guilty leaving my kids. Or when bringing them along would only cause a very hectic visit. When I text instead of call because it’s just so much easier sometimes, or phone calls are different because life is different. When I have the best intentions, and they fall short. I wonder: Am I a good enough friend?
When I sit at work and realize I’ve just stared at pictures of my kids for 15 minutes. When my mind is preoccupied with missing them, planning birthdays or vacations, or worrying if they will be too cold in the shorts instead of pants I sent them in. I wonder: Am I good enough? (For a stay-at-home mom- the question of “am I a good enough Mom” is probably increased ten-fold here.).
On top of all that, there’s all the little family titles we individually hold- daughter, sister, granddaughter, and all the in betweens. Do I give them all enough of me? I always wonder: Am I good enough at this?
Am I a good all around person, a good role model for my children, runner, someone my parents are proud of?
You may have different titles or views on them, but many of us wonder every day if we are living up to whatever standards we think we need to be at. We are inundated by standards set by other people. But I think we have to set our priorities in the things that mean the most to us at that moment. I think if we’re doing the best we can in all of our titles; our children, jobs, passions, families- then the answer is yes.
The Family. Family is forever. They’re the ones who watched us grow into these adults and the ones who accept us for everything we are. They understand our silly quirks, they support our passions, and they’re always the ones at the end of the day to say: I am so proud of you.
The Employee. When something awesome happens at work that makes us remember why we’re there. For me, it’s making a resident smile. Then we get crazy excited to pick up our little squealing babies after a long day, go out with friends, or just relax alone. When you’re home with your children and have one of those days that are just so freaking great it makes you forget any of the tough times. We can really say: See, this is why I do this.
The Friend. Friends are so important in life. We will make many along the way, and we hope to hold on to those precious ones from the past. No matter what stage we’re at, we can remember them in important times- birthdays, new careers, houses, kids, tragedies, and celebrations- and think of them always. We’re all so busy right now, our time just can’t possibly always match up, so we savor every time we can be together now. But when we’re older and past this stage of our life, we will all get on a huge cruise ship, cry our eyes out about how this time flew way too fast, and we will hug and say: God I missed you.
The Wife. The dynamics in a marriage certainly shift with kiddos involved- we put our all into the kids with little energy left for anything else. So take those precious date nights and moments we do have and savor them throughout the years as our kids or jobs or lives grow. Also enjoy those awesome moments as a family. When things slow down and the kids grow up- we will find our jive again and smile as we watch our children begin their own lives and say: We did it babe.
The Mother. I can only speak for being a parent for just shy of 3 years of my life, but I can imagine the future. When we watch our own children grow- achievements, graduations and careers, beginning their own families- and everything in between. When we watch the biggest smile spread across their face from something we said or did. When we watch our children fast asleep at night- in the beds and under the roof that WE provide them. Their bellies are full with the food we gave to them. Their little hearts are full because of the insane amount of love we bestow on them every second of every day. We can look at them and think: Yeah, I’m doing a pretty good job.
We all hold many titles. We all carry those titles differently, but we’re all doing the absolute best we can in each of them.
So as my run comes to an end, so can my thoughts. I can finally come to one conclusion…
Yes, I am good enough.
I think we all are.